May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
