I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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