I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
