My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
