he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
