She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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