She is in my trunk
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
