It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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