I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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