Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
