her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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