I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
