My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
