my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
