I cockslap morals
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
