I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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