You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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