I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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