oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
