Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
