Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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