Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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