dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
