I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
