Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
