my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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