I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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