Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
