id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
