it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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