Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
and you fell through a lawn chair
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
