i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
