So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
