i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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