at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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