Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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