I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
