At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
