Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
