Ambien. No doubt about it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
