you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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