literally had 100 drinks last night.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
