you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
