I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
