We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
