i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
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My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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