Soap is not a condiment
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
