you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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