just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
