You're a womanizer and a bitch.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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