Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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