he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
