I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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