You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
