Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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