This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
