All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What a dumb baby whore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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