You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
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ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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